The Weekly Roundup (11/23/15-11/27/15)
Monday 23 November
And a pall of silence fell upon the dormitory, as students came to realize that the slightest utterance, however innocuously intended, would bring the wrath of the Hall Director upon them. Just kidding—the thought never even occurred to them.
See, they had to make sure that the process wasn’t tainted by an “agenda.”
Just to be safe, students were encouraged to avoid looking at the screens of any laptops until the National Guard concluded its manhunt and the perpetrator was safely detained.
Perhaps they missed the memo that segregation is back in vogue among elements of the political Left.
They weren’t afraid of arrest, they maintained; they just needed to catch rides and flights home for Thanksgiving (presumably aboard vehicles powered entirely by compost).
Tuesday 24 November
Perhaps the senators feared that a moment of silence would give their classmates an opportunity to think independently—a strict no-no on today’s college campuses.
It seems the attackers were still ticked about French colonial policy in Syria.
Well, knock us over with a feather…
Of course they did. Every time they turned over the data in the past, he used it to show that the school was harming minority students by lowering its admissions standards.
Wednesday 25 November
Relax, Bill. Calhoun’s been dead for over a century, and can’t hurt you anymore.
Honestly, though, how was she supposed to know that there were real, live conservatives at Dartmouth?
Friday 27 November
National security is important, they say, just not as important as that warm, fuzzy feeling they get from putting their humanitarianism on display.
Why must we study the effects of addiction on animals, PETA activists must wonder incredulously, when there are so many aborted foetuses to be had.