The Weekly Roundup: What’s the matter with Kansas?

 Monday 26 September

Pro-life students accosted (again) at Ohio University

They were told to stay behind their table, but aren’t most tables symmetrical?

KU bars gorillas from jungle-themed decor due to ‘masculine image’

“Look, we know you didn’t even consider the slight possibility that someone could connect the gorilla to masculinity or a stereotype but don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.”

Wisconsin to create Black Cultural Center ‘safe space’

You know, because culture grows out of one’s skin, not nations or anything.

Clemson bans Harambe memes for promoting ‘rape culture,’ ‘racism’

Would someone stop those evil dead gorillas rising from the grave and raping people?

GWU awards ‘diversity graduation cords’ for completing workshops

...apparently clueless to the otherizing and exoticizing effect the donning of these cords by some students has on students who do not possess them.

UCLA lectures freshmen on inclusive language, social justice

But this is par for the course, by now. We would’ve expected California to be leading progressive inclusivity with something like voluntary racial segregation.

KU multicultural student government demands ‘social justice education’ in all classes

Talk about superfluousness!

KU staffer: YAF prez ‘garbage human being,’ ‘motherfucker’

Nothing like some imaginative ad hominem attacks to back up what we’re sure is a salient argument.

Tuesday 27 September

Safe space ‘conversation’ ‘not intended to be an open discussion’

Of course not. How could it be a “safe space” if participants had to endure the “violence” inherent in being presented with a contradictory opinion?

Crucifix reported as ‘hate incident’ at UW-L

In a sense, they’re actually right, since it seems unlikely that the Romans would have crucified Jesus if they didn’t “hate” Him.

Of course, that’s not what they were talking about at all...

NMU threaten expulsion for discussing ‘self-destructive’ thoughts

Sources say the thoughts literally resemble the Pokémon Voltorb in their ability to quite physically explode and cause damage to the surrounding area.

Mizzou allows ‘preferred names’ on IDs, avoids ‘safety hazard’

Time to put on your doublethinking hats!

That student senator is tarnishing the Sterling brand. Our editor-in-chief will be displeased.

Campus cops confuse public and private property while evicting TPUSA

They acknowledge that Kendall is a public institution, but somehow fail to see how that might make the school’s campus public property.

Harambe lives at Clemson University

That was fast...

Wednesday 28 September

Opinion: Redefining the right: this is what a conservative looks like

See? No horns anywhere!

Female student attacked for wearing Trump hat on campus

Another tolerant liberal voicing his opinion.

Former college admin caught stealing Trump yard signs

Gee, how in the world did he ever end up becoming a “former” administrator?

TAMU students demand mandatory ‘anti-racism’ course

And who’s going to pay for it? The Trump supporters!

Thursday 29 September

App State: Constitution not 'absolute,' speech bans OK

That whole “freedom of speech” thing is really overrated, anyway.

Speedo Hike cancelled amid 'body image,' 'bro-iness' concerns

If body positive feminists don’t have “outdoor” “privilege,” does that mean they won’t be able to go vote for Hillary in November?

UNC student panel praises safe spaces for First Amendment Day

“Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech….unless it makes someone uncomfortable.”

That’s how it goes, right?

Cornell referendum on men's room tampons passes in landslide

Doubleplusgood virtue-signaling, guys dudes people of indeterminate, varying, but all beautiful genders.

'Capitalism is the problem,' CCSU socialists claim

Are there any gulag internships for which we can register these bright-eyed, bushy-tailed Marxist aspirants?

UMich 'pronoun committee' announces change to class rosters

Did Your Majesty do Your Majesty’s homework?

Friday 30 September

Police contradict accusations of racial slurs at Mizzou

Well, not entirely. They did hear the supposed “victims” taunt white students as “crackers” and threaten to burn down a fraternity house.

Penn State to costume-shame students with poster campaign

Surely costume-shaming is just as heinous a crime as fat-shaming and slut-shaming, amirite SJWs?

UW-Stout replaces homecoming court with gender-neutral 'Spirit Award'

Just wait’ll the Freedom From Religion Foundation gets word of that!

UMN Bias Response Team unable to define 'bias' or 'response'

They do seem to understand what “team” means, at least. In any event, they don’t spell it with an “i.”

CSULA feminists confuse vandalism with free speech

And that’s not the only thing they’re confused about...